


Eyeballing It: Random Mass Effect Drabbles

by TheViperQueen



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: 'Now with rogue specter killing action!', Babby!Kolyat is best Kolyat, But like seriously- fuck the batarians, F/M, Fun with glitches, Gen, Get it Legion, Goddammit Armax- you only had one job, Joker is not amused, Joss was not okay with it. Like at all, Kaidan's Horizon really needed a response, Kelly wants her some Garrus, Kick all the things!, Kiss all the Drells!, Liara has a lazy eye, Mama's little tank baby, Miri is so done tho, One. Fucking. Job., Poor Garrus lmao, Trash talking Legion gives me life, You just had to go near the thing didn't you Alenko?, and Joker is an idiot, but who can blame her?, goddamn reapers won't even let my poor shepard get any sleep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-03-11 04:22:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3313790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheViperQueen/pseuds/TheViperQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pretty much what it says on the tin. Random drabbles/one shot/whatever the hell you call them featuring Joss Shepard and the gang. With guest appearances from Serviceman Chung, Tali's shotgun, Charr the poetry reciting Krogan, and other favorites.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spaced

She slammed the pod's door just before a final explosion rocketed her into deep space.

 _Oh crap, I've been spaced._ Panic tried to seep in, but years of military conditioning quickly took over. _Okay, it's okay, I can get through this. What's the procedure? Right. Take even breaths and the suit should do the rest. Ah the suit, this has to be one of the greatest inventions known to man. When they find me I'm gonna write a letter to the manufacture letting them know how much I love this su- what was that sound?_

The hoses snap. Her back arches. Then, darkness...


	2. Calibrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only person who thinks that Kelly is a bit of a creeper? Yes? No? Okay...

Kelly made her way to Garrus' station at the forward batteries for the third time that week to find the Turian hard at work. "Hey, what ya doin'?" she asks even though the answer is obvious.

"Just running some calibrations," he responds, turning to face her. "If you are here for another psych evaluation I can assure you Miss Chambers that my mental health is totally stable."

"Oh no, it's nothing like that today Garrus, I just came to see if you wanted to get lunch with me," she says, sprinkling in a hint of suggestion.

His good mandible flexes in surprise. "As ahh- _interesting_ as that sounds, I'm a bit busy at the moment."

"Well you know what they say," she says, walking over to his side, "About all work and no play," her words come out in a purr as she leans back on the console. Unfortunately for her this disrupts the firing sequence that he was inputting.

"There was a drift of 84.5 SGM. Please readjust your firing sequence and try again," EDI's monotone voice drones from above.

"Oops..."

Garrus closes his eyes tight in vexation, and when they open again they seem to be devoid of all emotion. "Goodbye Miss Chambers," he says, voice taking on a frightening predatory edge.

Paling, Kelly backs out the room, Shepard's words echoing in her thoughts.

_" Never get between Garrus and his calibrations."_


	3. Broken

"Shepard!" Kaidan yelled, reaching out for her, despite the fact that she was suspended six feet over his head.

"No, it's too dangerous..." Ashley's voice was but a distant echo in his mind.

Ignoring the Chief he attempted to go forward again, but two restraining hands held him back, keeping him from rescuing his Commander.

Shepard floated for a moment longer before the green aura flickered and died, dropping the woman's body to the ground.

Finally, finally the hands released him. He ran to her. Still breathing, but totally unconscious.

_She's been broken, and it's all my fault..._


	4. Birth

_She gives one final push. Screams erupt from the tiny body in the midwife's arms._

_'It's a boy,' she says, handing the squirming bundle to Irikah, 'A beautiful baby boy!'_

_The child stills itself at his mother's touch. I look down at him and two bright brown eyes stare back at me._

_He is...perfect._

_'Meet your father, little one,' she says, extending the baby towards me. Carefully I take him and instantly my world feels complete._

_'What shall we name him?' Irikah asks, smiling sleepily._

_'Kolyat. We'll call him Kolyat.'_

"You okay?" Shepard asks as Thane emerges from the cell that holds his now fully grown son.

"Yes. It is...just another memory."


	5. Schooled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miranda has a few questions about the Commander's recent purchases. The answer is... _interesting_.

"You called for me Miss Lawson?"

The icy-eyed Aussie looked up at the assassin. For the life of her she couldn't understand what Shepard saw in him, but she long ago gave up on trying to understand her CO. "Yes Mr. Krios, I did. I noticed that as of late Shepard has been spending quite a bit of credits on some rather questionable items."

Thane head tilts to the side. "Oh? Such as?"

"Well let's look at her latest order. There was the five thousand credits spent on a pair of shoes and jogging suit from some old Earth company called Adidas. And the other ten thousand on some old music device called a boombox. Twenty-five credits for some sweatbands, twelve on some knee high socks, and five for a cardboard box," she looked up from the screen to the Drell. His lips were quirked up into a smile and his eyes had a far away look. "Look Mr. Krios, if you and Shepard have some type of...fetish," a mental shudder there, "then that's your business. Once you start bringing our credits into it however..." Thane's snickering stopped her mid-sentence. 

" _Why are you laughing?_ " she hissed, eyebrow arched in annoyance.

Seeing her disposition he instantly straightened up, once again becoming the picture of stoicism. "I am sorry Miss Lawson, but it seems as if you have the wrong idea about my Siha's purchases. I can assure you that they don't pertain to anything as- _scandalous_ as you think."

"Then what exactly is she doing with all of it?"

"I doubt that you would believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"I think that this is something that is best seen for yourself. Would you please accompany me to the hanger level?"

**-Two Minutes Later-**

"Go Shepard, go Shepard, go! Go Shepard, go Shepard, go!"

"What the bloody hell is going on in here?" Miranda yelled over her chanting crew mates.

"Didn't you hear? Shepard called Legion out!" Joker yelled back over his shoulder.

"'Called him out?' Called him out for what?"

"A dance off, duh."

The XO shot a look at the Drell who just shrugged before pushing her way through the throng of bodies. Finally she made it to the center of the circle to find Joss Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, hero of the Skyllian Blitz, in a bright red jogging suit break dancing on a cardboard box. The woman did a few spins on her head then stopped in a position that had to require major balance and flexibility before flipping back to her feet as her crew continued to cheer.

"Top that Legion!" she yelled as she went to go crouch next to what Miranda could only assume to be the boombox.

"Building consensus," Legion said, eyeflaps wiggling a bit. "Consensus has been reached. We will, 'top that' as you said Shepard-Commander." The geth stepped onto the box and began to move about in a very robotic manner and the crowd went wild. Then he dropped to his back and began to spin for a full minute with the crew getting louder with every rotation. "Shepard-Commander," the geth said, standing to his feet, "We believe that you have been 'schooled.' We will now commence a with a list of derogatory remarks about your maternal unit."

"Joker! Stop teaching Legion how to trash talk!"

"Commencing. Your maternal unit is so corpulent that the odds against not finding her are approximately three thousand, seven-hundred and twenty to one. Your maternal unit's processor is so slow that it takes ten seconds for her to reach a consensus. Your maternal unit is so promiscuous that she willingly has intercourse with any male organic in her immediate vicinity. Your maternal unit's hygiene is so bad that..."

"I'm working with a bunch of idiots," Miranda mumbled as she stalked back to her office.


	6. Breeding Requests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank God for Kasumi's open bar...

After two hours and a lot of swearing, Joss had finally managed to scrub all of the giant acid-spewing worm from hell goop off of her armor. Feeling as if she deserved a reward for all of her hard work, she padded down into the mess, grabbed a bowl of what Gardner called 'Skyllian surprise stew', then plopped herself down in the nearest empty seat.

Giving the thick blackish-brown goo a cautious taste and finding it to be surprisingly delicious, she began to shovel the food into her mouth unceremoniously. A couple of minutes into her meal she felt eyes on her back, three pairs to be exact. "Can I help you?" she asked, not even bothering to look up from her meal.

"Not at all Commander," Joker, Garrus, and Kelly replied in unison.

With a sigh Shepard turned to face the trio. "Okay, what the hell are you three up to?"

"Shepard, I'm hurt," Garrus said in mock offense.

"Yeah Commander, why must you always assume the worst?" Joker added in.

"It's probably due to her rocky childhood," Kelly stage whispered, "There's a lot of reasons to-"

"Kelly, could we not?" Shepard said throwing her hands up in exasperation. "If any of you have a point I advise you to make it now before I hit you with a warp field so strong that it'll make a varren attack look tame."

"Alright, alright, no need to get violent," Garrus said, putting his hands up in surrender.

"Yeah, Commander, don't get your boyshorts in a bunch. Kelly just has a message to deliver to you," Joker said with a smirk.

"Chambers?" the vanguard asked with a raised eyebrow.

The Yeoman cleared her throat. "According to EDI's reports, Clan Urdnot's strength has grown since the destruction of Clan Weyrlock. Also, killing the thresher maw has produced several breeding requests for Grunt..."

Shepard chuckled. "Well whoop-de-fuggin-do for Grunt. At least now I know why he was in such a rush to get back to Tuchanka." 

"But that's not all Commander... there was also one for you."

All of the color drained from Shepard's face. " _Excuse me?_ "

"Well, apparently there's some male Krogans that would like to take a whack at you Commander," Joker managed to get out between laughs.

"Ah- at least we're _assuming_ they're males," Garrus interjected after a guffaw that he tried cover up with a cough.

Shepard just sat there stunned. She knew that killing the maw was a big deal, but to offer a breeding request, and to a _human_ no less...

"So are you going to take them up on their offer?" Joker asked once the laughter died down.

That snapped her out of her stupor. "What? No.  _Hell_  no."

Garrus flashed her a smile. "If any human could survive mating with a Krogan it would be you Shepard." That earned him a death glare.

"It's such an honor to be asked Commander," Kelly started, "And really, I think that this is something that you should seriously consider..."

"This conversation is over!" Shepard shouted as she made her way to the elevator.

"Not if we keep talking, it isn't!" Joker yelled back.

Ignoring their jeers, Shepard impatiently slapped at the elevator's call button. A few seconds later the doors opened to reveal Grunt decked out in his new armor.

"Battlemaster!" The Krogan bellowed, "You coming with me to Tuchanka to fulfill our breeding requests?"

"Ugh! God, I really need a drink," she said as she stumbled off to the Port Observation deck.


	7. Taken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for- like PTSD type stuff as it relates to the raid on Mindoir. Not sure if that'll bother anyone, but better safe than sorry...

" _Now the next part is very important. They're going to take you."_

Joss looked on in horror as the men grabbed the girl from under the bed. She kicked screamed and yelled, but none of her efforts had any real effect.

She didn't see much more after that. Her vision became dark around the edges, making it hard to focus on anything but the impending blindness. She curled up in the fetal position, arms wrapping tightly around her middle, and waited for the assault of memories.

_The Batarian stands over her daddy's lifeless body snorting with laughter. Joss cannot see his face, but she imagines it to be smug and covered in the blood of the man who had loved and nurtured her._

_He nudges the corpse with his foot. "Dumb bastard, never stood a chance."_

_It's all she can do to keep from screaming. She clamps one hand tightly over her mouth, the other pulls her little sister Roxy close, burring the 12-year-old's face into her side. This is something that nobody should have to witness, but at 16 Joss feels as if she's better equipped than the preteen gripping at her shirt._

_From the left another set of feet appear. "You get everybody on this end?"_

" _Yeah, you?"_

" _I did. Took me awhile to take down his bitch. She was a fighter, I'll give her that. But, she found it a bit harder to resist after taking a clip to the face," the second man said with a cackle. Joss' face drains of all color. She can feel Roxy's grip on her tighten causing long nails to bite into her flesh, but the resulting pain is distant._

At least they didn't rape her,  _she thinks to herself. She'd have to remember to point that out to her sister. A bit of a silver lining, a shitty one, but a lining nonetheless._

_The father-killer slaps the second man on the back, his grueling laughter joining the sick chorus. "Hell yeah it is. Did you see anything worth taking?"_

" _Nah, this place was a dump."_

" _Did you see either of the girls?"_

" _Nope. Probably ran."_

" _Damn." He crosses over to the bed that they're hiding under. Joss' hand slowly inches over to the knife that was present for just such a circumstance._

'Not a gun,'  _daddy says,_  'A gun will make too much noise. No, you'll want to take them down silently. Make sure you got a good grip on the knife, stab them in the foot to bring 'em down then go for a pair their eyes. A partially blinded Batarian is easier to kill.'

_She fully expects him to kneel down, but instead he stops at the makeshift nightstand. "From the looks of it they we're quite the beauties. Would've sold for a nice bit of creds."_

_She isn't sure which feeling is more prominent, the relief that they were not discovered or the anger at how these "men" were so blithely talking about a future that they'd already planned for them._

" _Yeah it's a shame, no doubt about that. Oh well, let's get back to the group." The second pair of legs disappear through the door, but the first don't move an inch. "You coming Kar'resh?"_

_So the kin-slayer had a name._

_Kar'resh stood there a few agonizing seconds more. "Yeah," he said, drawing out the last vowel. She hears some clinking, then a thump as the empty metal square falls down just out of reach. "Yes, they are quite beautiful," he whispered, voice tinged with emotion that makes Joss' blood run cold._

Flashes of searing white pain just behind her eyes pulled her from the horrid scene her mind insisted on playing. Like a rose with it's thorns, the migraines always came with the memories. Instead of fighting the pain, she welcomed it. The key, she learned, is to work with the pain, resistance only served to make it worst.

After what could have been hours or just a few moments the pain recedes, but she's wasn't foolish enough to think that it was going to be merciful and leave completely. Instead she clenched her teeth in anticipation for the next round. Like clockwork it came fifteen seconds later, only this time it brought a wave of nausea along with it.

"Deep breaths," she mumbled to herself. "Deep breaths." Slowly, she sucked air in through her nose and pushed it out through her mouth. And, just as slowly, the pain began to fall into a manageable range, once again allowing her to see properly.

On shaky legs, she managed to stumble into the bathroom and to the pills that would bring total relief. She shook two from the bottle and popped them into her mouth, not even bothering to chase them with water.

Clammy and exhausted from the ordeal, she laid her head against the cool floor and allowed a dreamless sleep to take her.


	8. Lazy Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else ever notice how Miss T'Soni's right eye never quite opened all the way in ME1?

_Well this is awkward_ , Joss thought to herself.

With the  _Normandy_  finally up and running she decided to round up the old crew and pay her Asari friend a visit. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now that they were all sitting together in her quarters in a thoroughly awkward silence... not so much.

"Sooo Liara," Joker started, clearly no more comfortable with this silence than his CO, "I see you finally got that lazy eye taken care of."

Shepard slapped her palm to her forehead hard, Tail gasped, and Garrus cleared his throat loudly. This was not going to end well.

Liara tilted her head to the side in clear confusion. "I do not understand Joker. What is this 'lazy eye' that you speak of? Is this another one of your odd jokes?"

Joker started to open his mouth again, but Garrus cut him off much to Shepard and Tail's relief. "How are things going back at the Base?"

The Asari gave the pilot once last curious glance before responding. "Things are going well, _busy_ , but well. There is always much to do, information brokering is a business that never sleeps. I know that I will have a lot to catch up on when I return, but it is worth it to share a drink with friends."

"I here that!" Shepard agreed heartily as she raised her glass in salute. The others followed suit and for a moment it almost seemed like things were going to go smoothly.

Conversation flowed for awhile after that, each sharing memories of the SR1 and her crew, until Liara flubbed. When Tali asked the others what would be a good gift for Kal'Reeger's upcoming birthday the Asari gave her a list of suggestions based on his last ten purchases. Nothing kills the mood like knowing that your friend can have access to just about all of your comings and goings with just a few taps at her omni-tool.

With the room once again lapsing into a semi-uncomfortable silence, Shepard wondered to herself what could make the situation more awkward.  _Perhaps if she were to read us some of our personal correspondences?_

"You  _cannot_  tell me that you didn't have corrective surgery on that eye!"

_Or Joker could open his stupid, stupid mouth again._

A groan went up in protest from his three shipmates and Liara just glared.

" _Excuse_   _me_?" she said, voice tight, "What  _are_  you talking about?"

"Your right eye!" he said, pointing for emphasis. "I swear back on the old  _Normandy_  that that eye would  _never_  open fully. It was like it was permanently mid-twitch." He looked to the others for support, but found that they were all making a point of busying themselves with their drinks.

Cornflower eyes pinned him down with an indignant stare. "I do not know what you are referring to Joker. My eye is and always has been in perfect working order."

"Look, T'Soni, if you had some work done..."

"I  _have not_  had any 'work done' Mr. Moreau," her voice was all steel now, "And I would appreciate it if you would stop insinuating such." Shepard could feeling the crackle of biotic energy coursing through the air, a subconscious response to the Asari's growing annoyance.

Joker, seeing the faint outline of blue pulsating around her, put his hands up in surrender. "Alright, alright, my mistake. Forget I said anything." Liara gave him a curt nod before look down into her own glass, the energy ebbing away leaving traces of ozone in the air.

Tension was thick in the air at that point and it had Shepard trying to figure out a way to flee the scene without actually looking like she was trying to escape.

_It would be so much easier to get away if this wasn't my room. Ugh, where is a giant genocidal ship when you need one?_

Sadly no Reaper showed and the silence stretched on yet again. Just as Shepard was about to ask Garrus about his calibrations just to give them something,  _anything_ , else to focus on Joker opened his mouth. Again.

"Hey Liara... have you embraced eternity lately?"

Shepard stifled a moan as pinched the bridge of her nose.

_This is gonna be a long night._


	9. RE: About Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because that letter that Kaidan sent needs to be addressed.

**-Paragon Reply-**

_Kaidan,_

_I'm not really sure if you were expecting a reply to this message or not, but I just wanted to let you know that it's okay...ish... I know that it's been two years for you Kaidan, but for me it's been more like two hours. One minute I'm struggling for air in a vacuum and the next I'm waking up to a pissy chick with an Australian accent yelling at me to get my ass in gear before I get gunned down by some mechs. And then to find out in the end that it was all Cerberus' doing? Not the most fortuitous situation I've ever found myself in._

_"The enemy of my enemy is my friend." I tell myself that every morning before I get out of bed. Of course I still don't believe me yet._

_I realize that this all must be difficult to comprehend. I also realize that the past two years must have been hard on you. I'm sorry for that. And I'm sorry for not contacting you sooner (Really Anderson should be apologizing for this one. Can we say "_ stonewalled? _"). What I won't apologize for is my association with Cerberus. Yes, I know about their reputation and no, I'm not foolish enough to trust them completely. I've managed to look past their shady doings to see the bigger picture and you need to do the same. Especially now that you have first-hand knowledge of the devastation the Collectors are capable of._

_Half of the colony, gone, just gone... and there was nothing I could do to save them. This thing is bigger than us, bigger Cerberus, the Council, the Alliance._

_I don't know what the Collectors are trying to accomplish by abducting our colonies, but I do know that they are tied to the Reapers. Cerberus is the only group that's taking the fight to them, and I plan on being on the front lines. I'd love for you to be standing by my side when that happens, but I know that you'll never work with them. I can respect that. I just hope that you can return that respect when considering my decision._

_I'm still the woman you remember Kaidan. The only thing about me that's changed since working for Cerberus is these new found biotic powers. Well that and my hair style. I mean really, couldn't they have kept it trimmed while they were rebuilding me? But in all seriousness, I won't let this change me. I hope that you of all people can believe that._

_Stay safe and maybe, hopefully, we can talk face to face when all of this is over._

_-Joss_

 

**-Renegade Reply-**

_Alenko,_

_Go fuck yourself._

_-Shepard_


	10. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her dreams suck. Her reality sucks. What's an undead Commander to do?

_He comes closer, allowing Shepard to take in his scent. It's both spicy and sweet at once, making the Commander take deep breath as she unconsciously steps forward."The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again, but you and I... we are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us. Joss, you make me feel," he sighs slightly, "human."_

_A shudder runs though her body as she closes the last of the distance between them. "Bunk here tonight Kaidan," the words leave her mouth in an almost purr._

_His lips quirk up slightly. "Is that an order, Commander?" he asks, his accent heavy on the last word._

" _Kaidan you make me feel like I can take on the universe," she lets out a uncharacteristic little giggle, "And right now I kinda have to."_

_That gets him to smile a bit."This can't change anything Shepard. This is a good crew, the finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up," he says, bedroom eyes, negating the seriousness meant to be conveyed though his words._

_She rolls her eyes then pulls him into a passionate kiss. His strong arms snake around her body as her hands go up into his dark hair. "Kaidan," she moans softly while his lips travel down to her neck. She feels him smirk into the skin there before being lifted off of her feet. They both laugh as he playfully tosses her onto the bed. He peels off his shirt, smirk still plastered on his perfect face, then crawls on top of her. His lips return to hers with a new intensity and she allows her mind to become blank, focusing only on the feeling._

_As one of his strong hands roams across her taught body, she opens her hazel eyes to look into his beautiful brown ones, but instead of the deep golden hue they're... yellow?_

_She blinks rapidly a few times, but the color doesn't change._

" _Is something wrong Joss?" he asks, lemon eyes looking worried._

_She shakes her head, running her hands down the lengths of his arms. His arms that now feel quite hard and overly-smooth._

_Her eyes look down to see a greyish-brown exoskeleton and claw-like hands clutching at her sides. "Get away from me!" she screeches, kicking him off._

_He stands up, looking hurt. "Shepard, are you-" His words are cut short by a violent shudder. A bright light shines through his eyes and open mouth. Cracks begin to form over his skin and she cringes as what's left of his human form explodes to reveal something she's only seen on the extranet: a Collector._

_His new insect-like body is pulled up into the air by some unseen force. He curls in on himself before a bight yellow light pushes itself through him, as one foreboding sentence rips though the air:_

_"ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL."_

" _Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of bed now- this facility is under attack,_ " a lightly accented voice screamed over an unseen intercom.

The Commander snapped her eyes open and instantly regretted it when the bright lights assaulted her pupils. Every part of her body felt raw and achy as she brought a stiff hand up to massage her jaw.

" _Shepard, I know that your scars aren't fully healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack._ "

_There goes that voice again_ , Shepard's thoughts had an irritated undertone as she opened her eyes again, slowly this time, and took in her surroundings: bright, white, defiantly on fire but otherwise overly sterile, and is that a  _Cerberus_  logo?

_What the hell is going on?_


	11. Kick Harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason Shepard's a solderer and not an engineer...

It had been a few days since Shepard and her crew had destroyed the Collector Base. Everybody made it out mostly unscathed, but the  _Normandy_  had taken quite the beating which was why they currently found themselves docked at Omega. Nobody was happy about being on the seedy asteroid, but with the ship being in such bad shape they were left with little choice. Aria seemed to be pleasantly surprised that they actually returned and granted them a measure of security (not that it was really needed, nobody seemed too eager to mess with the undead Specter that had taken on a race that was only a rumor and _won_ ) while they got the ship up and running. Shepard wasn't dumb enough to take Aria's apparent kindness at face value, but she wasn't one to look a gift Asari in the mouth... though she wouldn't hesitate to stab said Asari in the heart if she was foolish enough to cross her.

Shepard limped about her ship to oversee the repairs as well as to lend a hand when needed. Everybody was still shaken up mentally as well as physically, but they threw themselves into their work. Whether this was due to wanting to get off of the hope-forsaken rock or so that they didn't have to think about their experience on the Base their CO couldn't say.

By the time she worked her way down to the engineering level it was well past noon and most of the crew was taking a well deserved break, all save for one. Joss weaved her way through the mess of wires, mostly broken beams, and tools until she was found the woman she was looking for.

"I see my favorite Quarian is still hard at work," she said with a chuckle as she kicked looked like some sort of wrench towards Tali's groping hand.

"Oh, hi Shepard," Tali replied, not even looking up from the panel she was fervently working on. She tightened something then stood and began to fiddle with the keyboard. "Come on you little  _bosh'tet_ ," she muttered to herself. The machine's swift rebuttal was a high pitched screech accompanied by a scrambled screen and a small plume of gray smoke. "Damn."

Joss laughed at her friend's mixture of profanities. "Maybe take a break?"

"I can't, not until I figure out what is wrong with this thing." Another puff of defiant smoke escaped much to Shepard's amusement. "I just don't get it! I've recoupled, tweaked, and reformatted it twice now! Why won't it work?" She received a whirling noise in reply. With a sigh, Tali brought her right hand up to rub at her shielded forehead in apparent annoyance. " _Keeeeelah_... Hmm, maybe there's an irregularity in on of the matrices?" another puff of smoke then, "Or a  _few_. Maybe if I..."

Shepard drowned out the Quarian's tech-babble.  _I'm just a simple farm girl, I don't know nothin' 'bout fixin' none of these here fancy do-hickies._

"What do you think?" Tali asked, pulling the Commander's attention back to the situation at hand.

"Well Tali, I'm not the most technologically inclined person on this ship, but there is one thing that I find to be somewhat of a golden rule when it comes to these things." She crossed over to the side of the panel. "And that, my dear, is to kick it until it works." She took her booted foot to the metal earning a yelp from Tali and what almost sounded like a growl from the machine. "If it doesn't work then you're probably not kicking it hard enough." She kicked again, this time with more force. The screen flickered for a moment before going green across the board.

Tail looked from the screen to Shepard then back again. "I can't believe that that actually worked."

Shepard just smirked. "Yeah, but let's not tell Joker that I kicked his baby, ummkay?"

" _You did what?" _Joker's disembodied voice demanded.

"Let me guess: that panel controls the ships comm system?" Tali gave her a quick nod. "Lovely," Shepard sighed as Joker continued to rant.

" _First you drag her through the Omega 4 Relay where she gets shot to hell then you kick her? What is wrong with you woman? I swear... It's okay baby, she didn't mean it..."_


	12. Trippy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frenching a Drell does have its side effects.

Joss' latest talk with Mordin was a bit more personal than usual. For some reason he felt the need to give her the inter-species sex talk. She gave a little shudder. It shouldn't have been awkward, Mordin was a doctor and he was giving out medical advice, but over the past few months she had began to think of him as a father figure of sorts.

You know, if her father was a forty-something Salarian badass.

He was as professional as possible, stating facts in a very dry, very clinical tone. That in itself would have been a comfort if not for the cheshire grin on his face. The Professor gave her a doggie bag of full of holopads, diagrams, and ointments that had the Commander rushing to her quarters with a paranoid glare and red cheeks.

"Well that was sufficiently awkward," Joss announced to Epic, her hamster. He cocked his little head at her in question. "Trust me, you  _do not_  want to know. I wish that I didn't know!" Epic blinked at her a couple of times before curling up and going to sleep. She gave the hamster a loving stroke on its head before leaving him to his nap. No longer having him as a distraction brought her attention back to the white bag sitting in the chair at her desk. Ten different emotions ran through her, embarrassment and mortification being the most prominent, but in the end her curiosity got the better of her.

_Eh, what the hell?_   was her thought as she snatched the bag up, taking its spot in the chair. She pulled out one of the holopads and activated it, giving a conspiratorial glance as it booted up.  _I swear if this is a subscription to Fornax..._

She was pleased to find that it wasn't a subscription to Fornax or any other magazine of that sort, but informative reading material. It gave the same information that the good doctor gave without the knowing smirk.

Thirty minutes later Joss found herself standing behind Thane in the Life Support room. He appeared to be thinking deeply about something; whether it was his son, some vision of the past, their up coming mission, or just simple meditation she could not say. She quietly leaned by the door until he was finished, glad to have the extra time to try and figure out a better way to pose her question.

"Ah, Siha," he said with a smile as he crossed over to her, "Forgive me for not attending to you sooner." He reached up and tucked some hair behind her ear, letting his hand trail down and linger at the junction of her jaw and neck.

Joss shivered. "It's ahh, it's okay. I'm the one that intruded."

"I can assure you Siha, your presence is never an intrusion."

His deep timber washed over her and she had to resist the urge to grin like an idiot. She opted for taking his hand which was now idly tracing the outline of her jaw. "Well that's good to know," her voice came out in an almost purr that had her fighting back a blush, "Especially considering the fact that I have a request."

His lips pulled up into a small smile. "You need only ask."

The confidence that reared its head just seconds ago vanished, leaving her with a dry mouth.  _Well, here goes nothing._  "I-need-you-to-kiss-me," she blurted out. Thane blinked at her a few times, face blank. "I know it's a weird thing to ask, but I talked to Mordin and he gave me this thing to read and-"

Her words were cut short by the gentle pressure of Thane's lips on her own. She waited for giant pink elephants to appear, or dancing Turians, or  _something_. But nothing happened, there's just the feeling of his arms around her waist and his lips pressed to hers, not that that was anything to complain about.

"I must confess, I have been wanting to do that for some time now," Thane said once they broke apart for air.

"Mmmm," was her brilliant reply. He let out a throaty chuckle and Joss found herself biting her bottom lip at the sumptuous sound. And that's when it happened. It was no more than a flash, but she was sure that she saw herself standing up on a stool in the kitchen next to her mom as she rolled out dough for cookies.

"Siha?"

"Kiss me again," she murmured as she wound her arms around his neck. He complied without hesitation. This time was insistent, but still just as soft as the one before. After a moment she felt his tongue tracing the seam of her lips and she gladly yielded to him. With a sigh he swept into her mouth, and began exploring. Joss' knees went weak. He tasted like the rain in the springtime ...like the gentle breeze of the fall... the sweet, natural sent of flax growing in the fields... he tasted like everything she missed about home.

Suddenly she felt her world start to tilt on its axis. Everything began to fade to black before bursting back into color.

_She's no longer in life support on the SR-2, she's back on Mindoir. Mindoir! It's their first successful harvest and everybody is celebrating. The air is heavy with the smell of fireworks and roasting meats. The adults are milling about, reveling in their success, while their children run about playing, giddy at the thought of being up way past their bedtime. Music can be heard drifting from behind the silos which is where Joss sees herself in all of her four-year-old glory._

_Her two front teeth are missing (one fell out on its own, the other one was lost a few days later in a fight against Jake Hammond for making fun of the first missing tooth) and her pigtails are windswept, but she doesn't care about either as her Daddy spins her around the makeshift dance floor._

_There are other people there, people that she knew long ago, but her eyes don't linger on their faces. Instead they're drawn to the lithe lady watching the festivities from the sidelines. She glows beautifully under the moon's light, something that is accentuated by the radiance that only comes with pregnancy. Her long black hair is free of its usual bun, gently cradling her dark brown face and its dainty features. Her mahogany eyes glitter with amusement as she claps to the beat set by the band. Joss' younger self sees her too, and she pulls her Daddy over to the woman._

" _Dance with us Mama!" she yells as she runs up and hugs her, careful not to put too much pressure on her stomach._

_Her Mama gives her a sheepish smile. "I can't go out there baby, I'm a bit too pregnant," she says, placing a hand on top of her protruding belly._

_Joss Shepard, never one to take no for an answer now and apparently not then either, looks from the dancers to her mama and then back again, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. "Well then," she says with all the enthusiasm that only a child can muster, "We'll bring the dancing to you!" Daddy throws his head back in laughter and Mama just smiles as their little girl takes their hands in hers and begins to lead them in a dance all of her own._

And just as soon as the memory started, it was over. Joss looked around, dazed. There's no more grass or music or milky purple sky, only cold white metal, harsh lighting, and the smell of something familiar. That smell, a mixture of leather, gun polish, and something that is distinctly him, was enough to pull her out of the trance-like state.

"Siha, are you well?" the Drell asked, voice worried.

She blinked hard. His voice was close,  _really_  close. Joss looked around again and found that she was no longer standing near the wall by the door, but seated on his cot... or to be more specific,  _he_  was seated on his cot,  _she_  was on his  _lap_.

This realization made her let out an uncharacteristic giggle which furthered his concern. "I'm fine, really," she quickly blurted out, "I just... well I think I just experienced those 'mild hallucinations' that Mordin mentioned."

Thane's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "'Mild hallucinations,'" he echoed, a minute trace of horror lacing his voice. "I am sorry, I didn't even consider- I didn't even _know_..."

"Relax," Joss said, running a comforting hand over his neck frills. His hitched breathing at her motions wasn't lost on her, but she had to focus on easing his mind before she could even begin to dwell on that. "It wasn't bad, it was good actually. Better than the things I usually remember about the colony."

His body, which had began to relax under her ministrations, went rigid once more. "You had hallucinations about  _Mindoir_?"

_Oh God, I'm making this worst!_  "I did, but it's okay! It was a  _good_ hallucination _._ And no, I am not saying this just to make you feel better," she said cutting off his protests. "I think it triggers memories of when I was the most content in my life."

His larger eyes searched her smaller ones, looking for any sign of dishonesty. "I see," he said finally. "Would you mind telling me what you saw?"

Joss' lips quirked up into a small smile. "It was of me and my parents celebrating the harvest, the first one of the colony in fact. It was the night Roxy was born actually."

Thane sat there in silence, a contemplative look on his face. "So," he said after a moment, "If I do this," he placed a soft kiss on her lips. "Does it affect you?"

"It doesn't give me hallucinations if that's what you're asking," she responded, a little breathless.

He smirked. "Ummhmm." The rumble of his voice mixed with the look in his eye had Joss' heart beating at twice its normal rate. "And what about this?" He tilted her head to the side, kissing her deep and slow. She felt his tongue flick hers and for a brief moment she was back on Mindor, this time peering into the crib at the baby that lay in a peaceful slumber. Before her mind could fully latch onto the image it receded.

Joss looked into Thane's eyes yet again, mind slightly muddled, and ghosted her lips across his. "Trippy," she breathed before pulling him into another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want it to be said that Shepard isn't using Thane to chase after lost memories, she's just trying to get use his effect on her. The way I see it is if she keeps kissing him eventually she'll stop hallucinating. It just wouldn't do to be in the middle of their sexy time before going to the base and have her thinking about Mindoir, or worse, Kaidan hahaha. I don't know if that's how it came off, so I just wanted to clarify it.


	13. Part Monster Syndrome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cerberus gets a bad shipment of hormone control pills. Turian traumatization ensues...

Garrus found a most peculiar sight upon entering the armory: Jacob, Joker, and Ken Donnelly all huddled together in the back corner.

"Uhh, is this some human thing or should I come back later?" the turian asked, amusement clear in his tone.

"I guess you could call this 'a human thing'-" Jacob began.

"Pffh, as if you could even call them 'human' right now," Joker mumbled.

The red head nodded his agreement. "I think 'psychos' is a bit closer to the mark."

"Right," Jacob continued, "But if you want to live you might want to stay here."

"What are you talking about?" Garrus asked, starting to worry.

"It's the women, man!" Donnelly said loudly, waving his arms about. "The river is running red and they've all gone mad!"

"River? What river?"

"You know," Joker said adjusting his hat, " _the river_." Garrus continued to stare blankly at him. "Aunt Flo is visiting? They’re taking Carrie to prom? It's shark week? That time of the month? Any of this ringing a bell?"

Garrus gave the two men odd looks before turning to Jacob, the only apparent sane person in the room, for clarification.

"It's ahh, something that happens to women... you know, once a month for uhh, reproductive means..." he trailed off.

Garrus continued to stare.

The built man rubbed the back of his neck, uncomfortable with having to be the one to explain. "All I know is that it makes them moody for about a week then everything goes back to normal."

Garrus stared at him some more, his mandibles flaring out in amusement.

"Look man," Jacob crossed his arms and scowled, "if you want to know the specifics then go ask Mordin."

"Would be happy to explain to you Garrus, if you are really curious," the aforementioned Salarian said as he appeared to their left. "Although I will say that you may never look at human women the same. Things known can never be unknown." A slight shiver ran through his slender form.

" _Riiiight_. Well, I think I'll pass. I just came up here for a can of gun polish, I'm out." The Turian grabbed a can, gave them all strange looks, and then headed back to his calibrations.

* * *

 

"The coffee's gone! Why is all the coffee gone? Did you drink the last of it?" Garrus peeked around the corner to see Miranda shaking the empty pot accusingly at Jack.

"The fuck you gonna do about it if I did?" Jack growled from one of the tables.

"'The fuck I'm gonna do about it?'" Miranda repeated, setting the pot on the counter with a thud, "I'm going to beat your bloody head in you stupid little wretch!"

"I'd like to see you try bitch!" The second biotic stalked towards her, fists glowing blue.

"Will you two both shut up!" The harsh voice of the  _Normandy's_  usually chipper yeoman stopped both women in their tracks. "I have a headache and I don't want to hear shit else about coffee!" she hissed as she pushed past them and grabbed a mug.

"Oddly enough I agree with the wacko," Gabby mumbled as she sipped on what smelled like coco.

Kelly whirled around and gave the other woman a death glare. "Who the hell are you calling a 'wacko' you-you grease monkey!" she sputtered.

_I guess this is what they were going on about,_ Garrus thought, looking on in mild amusement as all four women began to scream threats at each other.

"Fuckin' idiots, can't they all just shut up or die or something?" The turian looked behind him to find Kasumi all wrapped up in a thick, pink blanket. She grumbled a long string of foreign words that his translator didn't pick up on as she flicked out of sight. Cabinets opened seemingly by themselves and a few moments later a floating jar of marshmallow fluff and a box of gram crackers floated back to the Port Observation deck.

The yelling reached new heights as Garrus contined to watch. The whole thing was like watching a shipwreck; he knew that he should turn away and run to get help, but he just couldn't stop staring. It was only when Jack and Miranda's combined biotic discharge started to make dishes and silverware float did he decided that it would be in his best interest move on.

Moving very slowly so as not to draw any unwanted attention (or flung dishware), he moved back towards the elevator and pushed the call button all the while thanking the spirits that Turian women didn't experience anything like what he just witnessed. When the doors finally opened, Garrus collided with a very puffy, very pissed off version of Shepard.

"Neyaaaaaaaah!" she groaned, grabbing tightly at her lower stomach. "Dammit Garrus!"

"Shepard I'm so sor-"

She put up a hand to stop him. "Just move," she growled, honey brown eyes shining with a promise of violence if he didn't comply.

Holding his hand up in placation, he slid to the side and allowed her to pass. He watched as her hunched over form shuffled towards the mess area, her figure lost under the oversized tee and sweat pants she donned.

"You people need to calm down! Seriously." Garrus couldn't help but to smile, Shepard might be, what did Joker call it? 'Taking Carrie to prom'? But she didn't let it affect her like the rest of them.

"Who took my fuckin' 'mallow fluff!"

Or maybe she did.

With that Garrus ran into the elevator, sense of self-preservation urging him to get as far away from the scene as possible.


	14. Sharks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one who finds Grunt utterly adorable? This was inspired by the Shadow Broker's Dossier on Grunt's recent terminal activity...

"So you don't have any eating a human or another fish or anything?"

The familiar rumble stopped Shepard dead in her tracks.  _That cannot be who I think it is,_ she thought as she walked into the toy store towards its source. _Well son of a mother, it is._  A smirk graced her full lips as she stopped behind the hulking Krogan.

"Umm, no sir," the paling store clerk squeaked, "I don't think that we carry anything like that."

"Well why not? Don't sharks eat people?" Grunt asked, waving his stump like arms, further scaring the poor girl.

"Grunt," Shepard said, resisting the urge to laugh.

The Krogan turned to face her, giving the girl time to flee. "Battlemaster."

"What did I tell you about intimidating the general populace?"

"I wasn't  _trying_  to intimidate anyone. It isn't my fault that the females of your species are so  _weak_ ," he sneered. "Well besides you. And Jack. And Miranda I guess," he added as an afterthought.

That made her chuckle. "Right. Anyway, what are you doing here?"

"I was trying to find a model of a shark eating something,  _anything_ , but all this store has are these squishy things," he explained, voice disappointed as he flung the shark plushy across the store taking out a display in the process.

His Battlemaster smiled at him. When he acted like this it was easy for her to forget that he was a Krogan killing machine. "Hmm, well let's see if we can find a better shark and we'll get some fake blood and a Ken doll and we'll see what we can do, hmm?"

Grunt's eyes lit up. "Can we make it look like it's ripping his leg off?"

Shepard nodded with a laugh as she led the Krogan to the Barbie aisle.


	15. Action Figure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ain't it just lovely how toys can bring people together?

"'Joss Shepard: The N-7 Edition?' The hell is this?" Joker picked up the action figure with a look of combined horror and amusement. "'The hero of the Skyllian Blitz. The Savior of the Citadel. She's traveled all over Citadel space and beyond and now she can be right in your hands! Fully equipped with a Specter grade shotgun and custom N-7 armor, Commander Shepard is ready to take on anything the universe (or your imagination) can dish out. What adventures will  _your_  Shepard get into?'" Joker shook his head with a laugh.

 _I wonder how the Commander's gonna feel about this,_  he thought as he grabbed three off of the shelf and headed up to the counter.

* * *

 

"Back you evil Cerberus clone!"

"I'm no clone! You're the clone! Pew-pew-pew!"

 _What the hell am I walking in on?_  Joss thought to herself as she approached the cockpit. She'd given her crew shore leave of which they all jumped at except for Joker and Garrus apparently.

"Umm, guys, what are you doing?" she asked with an upturned eyebrow.

"Just playing with these action figures that Joker picked up," Garrus replied, giving her a grin.

"Yeah Commander, they are  _amazing_ ," her pilot chimed in. "And, because I'm all thoughtful and junk, I even picked one up just for you."

She easily caught the box he tossed her and began to scan over its contents. "'Joss Shepard: The N-7 Edition. Now with rogue Specter killing action,'" she read in a monotone. She pulled the action figure out of the box and stared at it through silted eyes.

 _Okay, not the reaction I was expecting,_ Joker thought nervously.  _Maybe Cerberus forgot to instill her weird sense of humor when they put her back together?_

"This. Is. So. Awesome!"

 _Or not,_ Joker thought with a sigh of relief.

"It looks just like me, right down to the armor and the shotgun!"

"And if you think that's cool, wait to you check out that rogue specter killing action..."


	16. The Mass Effect Alphabet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by JayRain's story _The Dragon Age Alphabet_ over on FF(.)net.

A is for Ashley Williams, a bit of an alien hater;

B is for the Blue Suns, now ran by a traitor.

C is for Cerberus, who puts humans first;

D is for Drells, who remember everything but their birth.

E is for Elcor, putting on Shakespearean plays;

F is for Feros and rescuing its colonists from a daze.

G is for Garrus Vakarian, doing calibrations at his console;

H is for Harbinger, who assumes direct control.

I is for Illium, where anything can be bought for the right price;

J is for Jacob Taylor, the futuristic spokesman for Old Spice.

K is for Kaidan Alenko, attendee of Brain Camp;

L is for Legion, who's head Joker tried to use as a lamp. **  
**

M is for Mordin Solus: Salarian badass;

N is for the  _Normandy_ , which first exploded, and later crashed.

O is for the Omega 4 Relay, gateway to the Collector's domain;

P is for the Protheans who leave pictures in your brain.

Q is for Quasar a game found only at Flux;

R is for Reapers, wanting to annihilate all of us.

S is for Shepard, Spectre extraordinaire;

T is for Tali'Zorah, under who's mask we wonder what's there.

U is for Urdnot Wrex, inquiring who will win in a fight;

V is for Vanguards aglow with biotic light.

W is for Warden Kuril, who tries to enslave you, but can't;

X is for the Xeltan, the Elcor diplomat.

Y is for Yunthrol, where you find a medallion once lost;

Z is for Zaeed Massani, doing things like a boss.

And that's the alphabet as told by Mass Effect,

a game where you play as Shepard, the Commander resurrect.

It might seem easy at first, but I have to tell ya,

that playing without great skill can result in critical mission failure.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to bring this collection of stories over here for awhile now. These are the first fan fics that I ever released onto the world and I just love them to death lol.  
>  
> 
> **Other places this story can be found:**
> 
>  _FF(dot)Net:_ https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7014860/1/Eyeballing-It-Random-Mass-Effect-Drabble


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